By The Time I Get To 2007

Happy New Year, Bacon Pressers!

I hope everyone had a great time last night, as well as the last 364 nights of the old year. Not too hungover I hope! If you are, probably shouldn't go here.

Bruce and I stayed home, as usual. But you know what? That's okay. I got to put together my new smoker/griller that Santa brought me for Christmas while Bruce has been furiously engaged in worshipping his brand-new shiny false idols: his Mac and iPod.

Champagne did not flow, but there was plenty of Seltzer to go around as we watched the festivities happening less than a mile away via Channel 4, broadcasting live from the Hyatt Regency.

The Hyatt. You know, the one with the spinning restaurant at the top? Here's a tip: take drugs - lots of them - and go there. Don't buy anything – there's no need. Just say you’re a tourist and want to check things out. When no one's looking, lean your back against the interior wall and stand in one place.

Oooh! Wha? Huh? The restaurant...your feet. Moving!? Yee-uh!

Bacon Press Tip for the New Year: Spinning restaurants and controlled substances are definitely your best Entertainment Value.

Don't attempt this, of course, on New Year's Eve.

Question: Can someone please explain to me why being crushed, stepped on, shoved, groped, and doused with cheap beer on by the drunken masses is fun (unless, of course, you are one of the drunken masses)?

While you're at it, can you please tell me why that jackass Gary Radnich has a job? Hands down my most hated local television personality. It use to be Malou Nubla but I guess her nasty diva ways finally caught up with her.

It's enough to make me scream, "Thuy Vu, Where Are You??!!!"

But enough belly-aching. Let's get down to the real reason for this post:

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS!!

You hate them, I hate them, we never accomplish them, we always forget them, and then we make them again! That to me is what makes you and I so special.

Our ability to follow through with empty promises.

My New Year's Resolutions probably should be to lose more weight and stay sober. It's been 7 months since I last took a drink and since August I've lost 40 pounds by cutting down on the carbs and walking more.

However, in the last week or so, I've gained 3 pounds by literally going hog wild. I'm not really surprised by the weight gain because lately I've been eating big plates of pasta, handfuls of cashews and peanuts, cornbread, fried chicken, biscuits with butter and jam, lots of chocolate, lots of Bruce's homemade caramels, ice cream, French fries, cheeseburgers, pizza, pizza, and more pizza, bad Chinese food, cookies of all kind, pumpkin pie, apple pie, trifle, a monte cristo sandwich, a fried pimento cheese sandwich, and this fried ham and cheese club sandwich at Sam's Coffee Shop in Half Moon Bay.



Sam's is on my list of Asian-owned Coffee Shops and Diners that I'm doing research on (but still looking for an angle to write about) for Dive. I noticed when we were in Sam's that I had devoured one section of my sandwich before I realized I had done so. I was so busy scarfing down food as fast as I could, and so zoned out, that I didn't even hear Bruce ask me how it was. In fact, he started eating faster as well, getting some sort of contact eating disorder just by sitting across from me.

It was then that it dawned on me: "Wow, this scarfing down food thing is really out of control." I needed someone, the food police, whoever, to draw their guns and say "sir, drop that fork and step away from the table – step away from the table, sir. And keep your hands where we can see them." I can't believe how ravenously I behave at the table. Man, this is just too weird.

So, Resolution Numero Uno: Eat More Slowly.

This actually seems harder than it sounds, at least for me, because when I sit down sometimes this other part of my brain, perhaps the reptilian, brain stem part, just takes over and BAM! I'm eating not for pleasure but for something else. I have to be honest though – I have tried to slow down before, but somehow I end up eating faster and faster until I'm back where I started – inhaling food.

Maybe part of my problem is that I'm a stimulation and instant gratification JUNKIE. Maybe I AM eating for pleasure, but also for some crazy hyper-adrenaline, eating orgasmic experience that some damaged part of my brain just goes berserk over and says "more, more, MORE!" It seems as though no matter what is in front of me, I will use it, abuse it, and go for seconds, just say the word. The food shovelling thing, like the alcoholic thing, may be just a small symptom of a larger problem.

Perhaps by acknowledging this sympton I'm literally biting off more than I can chew.

But I'm not licked yet.

I also notice that I actually eat worse when I'm at home. Okay, maybe "worse" isn't the right word; how about "inconsistent". When I'm away from home, like at work, I already have what I'm going to eat planned for the day. The only wild card in my daily schedule is what I'll eat when I get home. Usually, because I've eaten sensibly for most of the day, I feel free to eat whatever I want (within a range of foods) when I get home.

This has helped me lose weight.

Full-Fat, Reduced-Fat, Same Great Flavor Me

However, when I've been at home all day, I often can wind up eating a huge amount of food or none at all; all depending on whether I was busy doing things or not. If I'm busy, I can go almost the whole day without eating. Of course, what else is home for other than relaxing, so yeah, I do try to do things like cleaning and laundry and cooking and working on this blog when I'm at home but I also just want to do NOTHING, except eat. Since I have a greater desire to do nothing while I'm at home, it makes more sense (from a healthy diet position) to spend more time outside of the home. If I can't or don't want to spend more time outside of the home, then my only other option is to strictly control what I eat at home.

And that brings us to Resolution Numero Dos: Spend More Time Outside, or Crank Things Up At Home.

And maybe cranking up the diet thing at home is what I need. Cause, you see, it's pretty easy to control what you eat at work when your work schedule limits the amount of free time you have. Faced with unlimited free time (idle hands, the devil, etc.) mixed in with a little boredom, watching what you do or eat becomes much harder. I guess I just haven't realized that until now.

Which, finally, brings me to my last resolution.

And since luck comes in threes, I give you Resolution Numero Tres: Realize Important Shit Earlier.

I can't tell you how much I've suffered due to my own stupidity because I failed to realize important life lessons too late. It's one thing to say, "I promise to eat better, be a better person, help that person cross the street, be more generous, enjoy life more, pay my taxes this year, call my probation officer when I'm suppose to, and drop the weapon when ordered to by a police officer."

But let's be honest: We're just looking backwards. We're looking at those things we should've done – looking at our past with 20/20 vision – when what we should've done was do things right from the get-go.

Being a failure in life is an okay lot if you're, say, a poet or an artist or a writer or a local broadcast news/entertainment celebrity. However, most of us aren't professional failures; we don't fill out any special IRS forms, write off business expenses, get a work visa, or even contract out on a consultant basis. We can, and do, fail – fail ourselves, fail our friends, and fail our New Year's Resolutions – without ever being formally acknowledged in print, radio, or television by anyone, anybody, or anything.

What I'm trying to say is that I guess what we all should do, what I should do, and what you should do, is stop and look around and realize the important shit now so that you, and me, and all of us can try to fail just a little bit less this year, at least until we get paid for it.

Right, Malou?

k.