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Friday, February 18, 2005

What I Want To Know Is, What The Hell Is A Rib-B-Cue??

Submitting a recipe for Turkey Tetrazzini for the new cookbook got me thinking about school lunch menus, so I decided to surf the Internet to see if I could find out about what kids are eating nowadays.

Lo and Behold I come across a website that lists school lunch menus all over the country. On these menus is something call a Rib-B-Que, and apparently it is either so popular or so cheap that it's on the menu several times a month. That's in addition to the pizza, the cheeseburgers, the footlong hotdogs, and the chicken nuggets of God-knows-what unknown, unholy origin.

And I had to ask myself, what the hell is a Rib-B-Que? That doesn't even make sense! Did I happen to look the other way one day when evolution spit out a bizarre new animal species?

Are they that illiterate that they couldn't spell out "barbecue rib sandwich"?

And if so, what the hell kind of example of the English language is that to be teaching our young people? In a freakin' school, no less! What dropout from the 3rd grade wrote this menu?

One menu lists it as "Barbecue Rib-B-Que". Well I'm no genius, but isn't that redundant? Hasn't anyone ever told this moron who wrote that menu that you can't "extra barbecue" barbecue?

And, excuse me, but isn't feeding barbecue ribs to kids for lunch just a little extravagant? I mean, I'm already paying for your education and daycare, do I also have to treat you to freakin' Tony Romas?!

Looking at the menu further I found myself asking another question: Would I even eat this stuff? I mean come on, most kids will eat whatever you put in front of them, but that doesn't mean it's right!

Is it ok to put a fat-ass 40-ounce bottle of Olde English Malt Liquor in front of a 10 year old and just expect them to make the right decision? I guess if you think a "Rib-B-Que" and a soda is a spectacular source of nutrition, it is!

Frankly I wouldn't swab the ass of a lab rat with that stuff!

Now I realize that these school lunches are at a reduced price, but, uh…no they're not! We, people with jobs, pay full price for these lunches so that everyone's kid gets to pay equally. It's not some crazy deal we're getting! We're not getting a deal so Papa John's and Sodexho can come in and push their junk on our youth like backstreet crack dealers!

So my question is, if we are paying full price for these lunches, why do our kids still eat this garbage? What kind of mafia-in-hairnets is running these kitchens?

No wonder these damn kids are shooting each other, wearing their pants below their ass, and bouncing off the walls during class! It's not A.D.D. or O.C.D. or M.T.V. some other C.R.A.P. like that! It's all that sugar, fat, carbs, preservatives, and God knows what kind of weird-ass stuff they put in a Rib-B-Que that's literally melting their minds like Michael Jackson's nose under a heat lamp.

Just *casually* reading the lunch menu made me want to shank the teacher, burn down the school, and get high…and that was the elementary school menu!

For God's sake, someone stop this madness! We've become a nation of psychotic Rib-B-Que junkies see-sawing between one chemically-induced personality disorder to the other!

I shudder to even THINK about the future!



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