Spectacular Clearance Sale!

(Static, then a loud popping sound)

(Feedback)

(clears throat)Uh, is this thing on?...

Uhhhttention BP shoppers.

Attention BP shoppers...

On aisle 5, now through Friday, we are having a blowout clearance sale on toothpaste, charitable events, and Janet Jackson's latest single.

Please proceed to aisle 5 where a BP associate will assist you with your latest food bloggerfic chari-tainment*, as featured in last Sunday's Reader's Digestion and Ladies Homefries Journal.

*This is an in-store promotion only. Tax, shipping, and batteries not included. Void where prohibited. All purchases are subject to various state rules, taxes, and regulation. Only one coupon per customer per purchase. Non-transferable. Toothpaste and Janet Jackson single may cause stomach bleeding, cramping, vomiting, nausea, anal leakage, bloating, headaches, and feelings of vertigo. Not recommended for children, senior citizens, pregnant women, or person with a history of heart problems. Please consult your doctor before trying BP brand products.

This sale will not last much longer, so hurry now, noW, nOW, NOW! for the best deals. For quick service, please proceed to the checkout counter where a cashier is ready to assist you with your purchase.

Thannnk you for shopping at BP! Please come again soon.

Is this thing off? Jesus, I need a new job!

k.