A Rumination on Mercaptan

The weather's picking up and Spring is peeking its pretty little head out from underneath the clouds. A lot of springtime foods are hitting the market shelves, including everyone's favorite, asparagus, and consequentially there's a lot of chatter in the food blogosphere ranging from recipes, tips, anecdotes, and ramblings on this tender veggie.

I'm glad this vegetable is finally in season as it's easy to prepare, super nutritious, goes with anything, and super deelish.

But.

I am OVER this pee smell!!!

No. I'm serious.

It has been twenty-four hours since I last ate asparagus – quickly blanched, cooled in ice water, drained, and served with a dollop of dill garlic sour cream sauce – and my pee is still freakin' reakin'! Yuck!

I swear - it's instant too. Like, five minutes after the last bite, I'll run to the bathroom and shoo! there it is. It's embarrassing in social situations where you have to pee standing next to someone else, which is bad enough anyway since close proximity is an instant pee blocker for many guys, including yours truly.

To make matters worse, the part of San Francisco I work in was without water for over an hour today, which meant the toilets wouldn't flush. I pity the fool who had to smell my pee; I am truly sorry – but if the choice is between smelly pee and doing away with one of my favorite vegetables, the stink is going to win hands down.

According to WebMD, the main cause of asparapee is our dear old friend sulfur - whose greatest hits include "That Rotten Egg Smell", "Garlic Breath", and the classic "He Who Smelt It, Dealt It". Furthermore, research studies indicate that some people produce the smell while others don't, while some lucky folks are incapable of smelling asparapee in the first place.

Normally, one would assume this tiny parcel of knowledge would be of no Real World use – that is, until you find yourself in a Port-a-John at the Stockton Asparagus Festival, praying that the last person who used it wasn't French and the guy standing next door is Ari Gold of Tel Aviv.

I'm sure there are some people out there who dig the smell of asparapee. Like, in their warped and twisted minds, it's the smell of Natural Things, and things that are "natural" are supposed to be holy, pure, wholesome and such. But please, spare me the crunchy, hippy bullshit. If I could take a pill for asparapee, I would do so in a New York minute. Because asparapee is just, plain, GROSS!

There are two things related to me that you never want to be on the receiving end of: 1) an envelope I licked shortly after eating a handful of almonds and 2) restroom privileges shortly after I've asparapeed.

Otherwise, we're good.

k.