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Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Having a Toity Christmas!

There are people starving in India.

There are people dying in the Holy Land.

And there are old people shivering in the cold with barely enough money to buy themselves a cup of soup.

But God! Was this a great Christmas or what?!

Man, oh man! You should see the loot I got! Things I've been wanting forever, like a cast-iron, enameled 7-quart dutch oven.


And a Microplane!

Bling bling!

Plus all sorts of other foodie gifts like a cool pepper shaped salsa dish and a new Crock Pot and so much more; way too many to list here!

Yee-ah! But when Christmas isn't all about me (those long, grey, cold 5 minutes), it's all about the, yes, cheeseballs! Karen always makes her delicious cheeseballs, with backups in the fridge in case we run out!

It just aint the holidays without the cheeseballs. In fact, whip out a cheeseball in March and we are partying like it's Christmas 1999.

On top of that and the cookies and the ungodly amount of white meat, dark meat, and mystery meat, who can forget about the Christmas Eve pork tamales from La Perla?

Come on! Christmas just wouldn't be the same without a little Feliz Navidad! And Karen calls in her order way in advance.

You have to.

This is California and if you don't have your Christmas tamales order in on time, come Christmas Eve day, you may just end up begging, crying, or breaking all sorts of local, state, or federal laws in order to get your mitts on those Mexican hot pockets.

In fact, our young Karen almost got stiffed when another "Karen" had placed an order for a dozen and the gals at La Perla couldn't figure out which Karen was our Karen. Of course, our Karen placed an order for two dozen, not one, (duh!) and lemme tell you: it's a good thing that the other Karen didn't show up first, otherwise we'd go hungry (or I refer you to the above)!


Because when we're not busy eatin' green beans, mashed potatoes, and pork loin, we are living, breathing, and shitting tamales. Trust me, we are FULL of holiday cheer!

Being as deprived of sugar and fat as we are at every Christmas, Karen decided to get all Southern Fried, and her and Bruce baked a 30-pound Paula Deen apple bundt cake, made from about every un-Weight Watchers thing you can imagine with the exception of deep-fried pork rinds and duck fat. They tell me (I had already passed out in a sugar coma by then) that it was quite the event, especially the frosting episode (this is the part where I proclaim "Too Much Information"!).

I know this is the "season of sharing" and all, but can I just say, don't if you don't have to!

I love spending Christmas at Karen's BB&B (Bed, Breakfast, and Beyond), if only because she goes all out on the decorations. True, a lot of people in her neighborhood do the lights and all, but hers just looks so good, and I'm not just brown-nosing, though I'm also not not just brown-nosing either.

See for yourself!

Bruce's Aunt Carol also does a great job with the decorations this time of year, so much so she use to rent a storage unit just for the Christmas decorations alone. Because of time constraints, we weren't able to make it over there this year, but trust me, you have to go to Aunt Carol's for Christmas. Only, if you are mildly sensitive to blinking lights, have fragile nerves, have phobias about talking Christmas trees, are pregnant, have a weak heart, have periods of light-headedness, occasionally experience vertigo, or tend to go into seizures easily, I suggest you obtain a doctor's permission before you do. Otherwise, you've gotta go!

As you and I know, the holidays are really the season for high drama.

Luckily, the only drama this Christmas, other than Bruce's dad surviving a triple by-pass heart operation, was a broken toilet (or "toity") seat, and seeing as I've heard or seen worse from other families, that's pretty harmless. On the contrary, my Mom's boyfriend's family...well, I wouldn't wish that lot on the Great Horned One himself! And seeing as they don't know about this blog, I can pretty much tell you every ugly and shameful situation in detail, you know, just between you and me, heh heh.

However, I'm still waiting on the phone call from Mom to fill me in. Remind me to remind you to ask me about it later.

I can't finish this post without thanking Debbie for watching Speedball and Argenta while we were gone. The kitties seem happy, which means they are their usual, hellraising, psycho selves. This year we had a new kittie that Debbie also tended to. She was born a month ago and needs constant watering.

I bought this "pet" for Bruce two years ago and she's been incubating in her box this whole time. Generally, I don't suggest you buy pets for friends and relatives at this time or any time of the year, but with this pet, I wasn't subjected to the hundreds of questions, background checks, and psychological examinations the SPCA usually gives one when adopting a pet. Plus, this pet is ok to abuse and if, God forbid, you enjoy abusing pets, please abuse this one and keep your sick, warped, and evil claws off of the others.

So anyway, I have the rest of this week off, not by choice, but happy to take it anyway and I plan on getting some important, end-of-the-year things done as well as testing out my newly acquired materialistic thingy-ma-bobs.

I'll keep you posted as the week wears on, but in case I don't, hope you had a good Christmas and are having a great Chanuka, a great Kwanzaa, or whatever religion, sect, belief, or made up crap you ascribe to.

Love, most sincerely,



Anonymous Anonymous said...

What happened to the photo of Karen?

11:17 AM  
Blogger Bacon Press said...

I wasn't 100 percent it was OK to use it, even though it is a hilarious photo.

12:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow - a 7 qt Le Creuset??? Man that must've been expensive! I just got a 4.5 quart Pistachio colored oval Le Creuset at their outlet for my anniversary. I love it. It cost my husband a lot of $$ but not as much as that 7 quart must've cost! You are a lucky man!

I can't wait to read about what you cook in it!

So far I've made pasta sauce in mine, along with a venison stew, mushroom duxelle, and I've cooked chicken in mine too. I love how easy it is to cook in and how to clean it up too!

I am sooo happy. I also got some great cookbooks for Chanukah - including the new Sara Moulton, Michael Chiarello, Bobby Flay, Sara Foster from Fosters Market in Durham, NC and 2 other books. I am a cookbook fanatic.

You will love your microplane. It is terrific.

Lucky lucky are you!


6:06 PM  
Blogger Bacon Press said...

Uh, actually, it's not Le Creuset. It's Lodge, which is considerably cheaper.

But, you know what? I'm happy with it and it looks and performs great, has a lifetime warrantee and has all the perks of Le Creuset, except I really like the lid because it's one of those "self-basting" lids.

However, if I had received a Le Creuset I would've been thrilled also. You must be stoked!

Basically what I'm saying is that it's all good.

Tonight I'm also making pasta sauce, so I'll be sure to send happy thoughts your way.

I'm also a cookbook fanatic. I think you'll like Michael Chiarellos "The Tra Vigne Cookbook". Besides eating at his restaurants a few times (including Tra Vigne), I've cooked from the book and it's really good stuff. Highly recommended.

Happy Chanukah and Happy New Year!


6:35 PM  

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