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Monday, December 12, 2005

Holiday Rant #1

If I hear that stupid-ass Outback Steakhouse commercial on the radio one more time I swear to God I'm going to go on a hate-filled rampage throughout the neighborhood the likes of which no one has seen before!

It was bad enough when it was just the non-holiday version, but now it's got some stupid Christmas theme to it!

Urgh!

When I hear that sappy, over-exaggerated, fake-sounding "Australian Dewwwd" accent coming through the speakers for about the sixth time in my otherwise pleasant day I want to don Aboriginal war paint and start killing me some white sneaker, pastel golf shirt, khaki shorts wearin', sunburnt HONKIES!



First of all, there isn't even an Outback Steakhouse in Australia! Wait. No, I stand corrected. There are two. Surely, both of them cater to international saps and mouth-breathing yobs.

Second, what the F@!K is so Australian about the menu? They don't even have Vegemite sandwiches!



And you can be damn sure the beef and lamb you're eating in your local OS isn't from Australia.

"'Ello, Mate! Your steaks from Juarez just arrived."

And have you even seen the menu? It's nothing but an Australian Stepin Fetchit! With damn stupid stereotypes that make no sense, like Brisbane Caesar Salad!

What makes it "Brisbane"? Other than the fact it might be served in Brisbane, California? Oh, it has "shrimp from the barbie" or "Aussie-sized chicken breasts".

Whaaa?

Their cultural appropriation, bastardization, and commodification is almost as bad as Madonna's! Oy Vey with your Kabbalah already!

Kookaburra Wings, Walkabout Soup, Aussie Chips. Aaahhh!!

I'm about to throw up in RAGE!

Some fool from Tampa, Florida thought this crap up!

I lived in Tampa. You know how many Australians I met the whole time I lived there? None. Zero. Zed. Zilch.

You know how many Cubans I met while I lived there? More than you could shake a goddamn diggery-doo at!

Thank God no one's come up with a TGI Fidels, yet!

As for the creator and singer of that stupid commerical: I only hope a crocodile escapes from the zoo and feasts on their asses for dinner!

Yeah, I'd say that's pretty "fair dinkum, mate".



k.

2 Comments:

Blogger Cali said...

Don't hold back now, Kevin, tell us what you really think!

3:58 AM  
Blogger drbiggles said...

TGI Fidels. That's funny.

4:00 PM  

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